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DD's of 2007 by krissimonsta

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Submitted on
September 11, 2006
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There is a congregation of stars in this sky,
as if the dew fell up this morning and stuck,
caught in the filaments of a web woven
by a moon too round and white,
too distantly delicate.

Down in the wet green by your white skin,
your still-life arms wrap me in a cold embrace.
Your fingertips are daggers, cutting up
my insides, my insides twisted up in you.
I shudder and bleed little loves.

I swallow you up and pretend that you dissolve,
wishing you didn't writhe inside my chest
like an angry child's tantrum.  The taste
of sweat on my tongue turns my stomach;
I suffer through it for the chance to be near you.

You're whispering something to me,
but I don't want to listen.  Those words
you didn't say are licking at my ears
like serpent's tongues, singing sweet
lies to me in someone else's voice.
Just a little something I whipped up for my English 306 class. I'm not going to say what it's about. I'll leave that up to the title and the text. Let's just say I finally got around to editing an older piece, and I think I much prefer the new version.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2007-07-17
Unrequited by *phoenixofthenet is a successfully redrafted erotic poem that manages to turn its possible clichés into surprising turns of phrase. ( Featured by PoeticWar )
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2009
just amazing
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2009  Student Writer
Thank you.
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:iconanonymouswriterhere:
AnonymousWriterHere Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009   Writer
That's very nice. Very image-imagination oriented for me...
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2009  Student Writer
Thank you very much. I appreciate the comment and the :+fav:
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:iconanonymouswriterhere:
AnonymousWriterHere Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2009   Writer
no problem it is well writen
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:iconlacili:
Lacili Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2007   Writer
Amazing.
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks!
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:iconlacili:
Lacili Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2007   Writer
Welcomes <3
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:iconparadoxicalshaman:
paradoxicalshaman Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2007   Writer
very good poem - you've obviously done a lot of work on it

some of the lines and images are really memorable. the whole first stanza paints a really vivid picture and the metaphor, though i guess someone could say it might be a little overused, is handled in a way that makes it stand out as something novel. i also liked the feeling behind "writhe inside my chest like an angry child's tantrum". very nice.

i don't know if you're still taking... er... criticism, but i was thrown off a little by the lines "a moon too round and white, too distantly delicate." which was followed immediately by "Down in the wet green by your white skin". The repetition of the word "white" didn't do it for me, at least not in such close proximity.

the only other comment is the line "you didn't say are licking at my ears like serpent's tongues". a great image and it resonates with a real tactile presence, but try taking out the word "tongues" and see how it flows. you already have the word licking, followed by serpent, so maybe 'tongues' is unnecessary... could punch up how the poem moves a little... anyway

good stuff!



,
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks! I appreciate all of the suggestions you've made, and even agree with some of them. Right now I'm taking a hiatus (which is just a nice way of saying I'm being lazy) from working on my writing, but sometime this semester I'm going to sit down and spend some quality time with my work. I'll be sure to look over your suggestions at that time. Thanks for the critique!
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