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DD's of 2007 by krissimonsta

Writing by 1500


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Submitted on
September 11, 2006
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2,949
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85 (who?)
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78
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There is a congregation of stars in this sky,
as if the dew fell up this morning and stuck,
caught in the filaments of a web woven
by a moon too round and white,
too distantly delicate.

Down in the wet green by your white skin,
your still-life arms wrap me in a cold embrace.
Your fingertips are daggers, cutting up
my insides, my insides twisted up in you.
I shudder and bleed little loves.

I swallow you up and pretend that you dissolve,
wishing you didn't writhe inside my chest
like an angry child's tantrum.  The taste
of sweat on my tongue turns my stomach;
I suffer through it for the chance to be near you.

You're whispering something to me,
but I don't want to listen.  Those words
you didn't say are licking at my ears
like serpent's tongues, singing sweet
lies to me in someone else's voice.
Just a little something I whipped up for my English 306 class. I'm not going to say what it's about. I'll leave that up to the title and the text. Let's just say I finally got around to editing an older piece, and I think I much prefer the new version.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2007-07-17
Unrequited by *phoenixofthenet is a successfully redrafted erotic poem that manages to turn its possible clichés into surprising turns of phrase. ( Featured by PoeticWar )
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2009
just amazing
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2009  Student Writer
Thank you.
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:iconanonymouswriterhere:
AnonymousWriterHere Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009   Writer
That's very nice. Very image-imagination oriented for me...
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2009  Student Writer
Thank you very much. I appreciate the comment and the :+fav:
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:iconanonymouswriterhere:
AnonymousWriterHere Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2009   Writer
no problem it is well writen
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:iconlacili:
Lacili Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2007   Writer
Amazing.
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks!
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:iconlacili:
Lacili Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2007   Writer
Welcomes <3
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:iconparadoxicalshaman:
paradoxicalshaman Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2007   Writer
very good poem - you've obviously done a lot of work on it

some of the lines and images are really memorable. the whole first stanza paints a really vivid picture and the metaphor, though i guess someone could say it might be a little overused, is handled in a way that makes it stand out as something novel. i also liked the feeling behind "writhe inside my chest like an angry child's tantrum". very nice.

i don't know if you're still taking... er... criticism, but i was thrown off a little by the lines "a moon too round and white, too distantly delicate." which was followed immediately by "Down in the wet green by your white skin". The repetition of the word "white" didn't do it for me, at least not in such close proximity.

the only other comment is the line "you didn't say are licking at my ears like serpent's tongues". a great image and it resonates with a real tactile presence, but try taking out the word "tongues" and see how it flows. you already have the word licking, followed by serpent, so maybe 'tongues' is unnecessary... could punch up how the poem moves a little... anyway

good stuff!



,
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks! I appreciate all of the suggestions you've made, and even agree with some of them. Right now I'm taking a hiatus (which is just a nice way of saying I'm being lazy) from working on my writing, but sometime this semester I'm going to sit down and spend some quality time with my work. I'll be sure to look over your suggestions at that time. Thanks for the critique!
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:iconpoetcrystaldawn:
poetcrystaldawn Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2007  Professional Photographer
It's always so intense when we hate and love someone at the same time.

As the musician Poe says in one of her songs, "I hate him just enough to get off." Ahh, speak the truth, Poe, speak the truth.
Reply
:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2007  Student Writer
I was just tickled at that line.
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:icon1500:
1500 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2007
Really beautiful.
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks :D.
Reply
:iconstarrynienna:
starrynienna Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
The fav was my pleasure, it is just so picturesquely and beautifully written. You're very talented. It is full of originality where unexpected, just as PoeticWar said, turning clichés into gems. Thank you for stopping by my page to thank me for the fav.
Reply
:iconcattalia:
Cattalia Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2007
I am totally infatuated with the first two lines. They are really quite brilliant, they make me smile everytime I read them. I don't understand the last line of paragraph 2, "I shutter and bleed little loves." Other than that I enjoy reading this poem.
Reply
:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2007  Student Writer
Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Don't worry that you don't "get" everything in the poem. I don't necessarily believe that poems need to be "gotten." As long as you come away from it feeling something you didn't feel before, the poem has done its job. Don't worry about it :D.
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:iconrinehh:
Rinehh Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007   Writer
This is, like, such a powerful piece. I mean, I can definitely feel the emotions you had as you were writing this.
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks. I'm glad to know you could identify with it.
Reply
:iconskippyjr:
SkippyJr Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007   Filmographer
Very strong concept you got here,
That's a very sweet poem,
I really liked this work.
Reply
:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem. I appreciate your kind words.
Reply
:iconfar--from---lonely:
far--from---lonely Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
this is really good! congrats on the DD!
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks, very much! I was very surprised to get a DD for my poetry; I've never considered myself that much of a poet.
Reply
:iconfar--from---lonely:
far--from---lonely Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007
You're welcome! Well ive tried to write poetry, and its never really that good...i think your style is great!
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks, very much.
Reply
:iconfar--from---lonely:
far--from---lonely Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2007
you're welcome!
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:iconwashugirle:
Washugirle Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
nice I love the it, it gave me goose bumps when I thought about it happening to me. I love it very good! Hope to see you soon!! n___n
Reply
:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Yeah, I definitely want to get together before I have to go back to school. What do you say we try to arrange a Ginza dinner-date before I go back?
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:iconwashugirle:
Washugirle Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2007
Sounds great!! I'll see what I can do!
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2007  Student Writer
Awesome. Hey, I noticed you called me the other day. Sorry I didn't get to my phone in time. And, it's been a busy week and everything, so I haven't ever had a chance to call you back. No worries, I still remember I owe you a phone call!
Reply
:iconelephantman5:
Elephantman5 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
Fairly structured. Nice to find a poem without spelling mistakes. Excellent metaphor and imagery.
Good job! :)
Reply
:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Yeah, it is nice to see a poem without spelling mistakes; there are an awful lot of poorly written poems on this site, aren't there? Not that I'm saying mine is one of the best or anything, not by a long shot.
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:iconelephantman5:
Elephantman5 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007
Mmm, it's not one of the best, but it was better.
I just couldn't think of much to say about it, yet I was still compelled to comment your ability, in hopes of an exchange of future critique of our works.
;)
Yes, too many people structure their lamentation with the letter "I," and the word "love."

Good day sir!
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Haha, that's cool. That you enjoyed it is what I care most about.
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:iconparadoxdestruction:
paradoxdestruction Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
love the writing... i get many different thoughts about it because it isn't specific so there's more to think about, i like those kind of writings.....
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks!
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:iconparadoxdestruction:
paradoxdestruction Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007
welcome!
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:iconfriskyryski:
friskyryski Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
Very impressive poem.
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconcait-shoxxi:
Cait-Shoxxi Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
Absolutely gorgeous poem. I love how abstract it is. <3
Reply
:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
I'm not sure if that's a good thing. It's not supposed to be too terribly abstract, but I do realize that there is a lot of abstraction in there. Still, regardless, I'm quite happy you liked it. Thanks for the comment, and the fave!
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:iconcait-shoxxi:
Cait-Shoxxi Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007
:heart:
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:iconparadanmellow:
paradanmellow Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007  Professional General Artist
this is splendid writing :blushes:
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks.
Reply
:iconangelfairypixie:
angelfairypixie Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
I personally love the last line...it really does say a lot to me...I love it because I kind of know where you're coming from...I get the 'cold embrace' thing but not the 'Your fingertips are daggers' thing...well - I mean I do...it's just a little out there to me because that wasn't part of what I know about this poem (in understanding...not background)....but it's really good nontheless...love this piece...what did u get for it?!
Much Love...:heart:!:D!
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
I liked the line about the dagger-fingers, but it was a bit vague and not everyone who read the poem got it. But, I don't like explaining my work to people, I feel everyone gets what they get from it for a reason, so who am I to interfere with that, you know? I'm glad you liked the poem.
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:iconangelfairypixie:
angelfairypixie Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2007
Well...that's a very good (and general literary) ethic! Thanks for writing the piece in the first place! Btw...I've just gotta say - I do LOVE your tagline...although I doubt smalltowners would appreciate it..I still think it's rather humorous..:P! Loll!
Much Love..:heart:!
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:iconreimeiken:
Reimeiken Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
I really love this poem. It just drags me in and makes me want to read it again and again. The imagery is breathtaking~!
I'm sorry I can't provide a better comment or critique, I'm pretty inexperienced at this sort of thing. xD All I can say is how beautiful it is to me...
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:iconphoenixofthenet:
phoenixofthenet Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2007  Student Writer
That's fine, you don't have to be a poetry critic to enjoy poetry. The fact that you got something out of it is all that matters to me. Thank you for the comment!
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:icontweekfreak:
TweekFreak Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
man, so can relate, i fucking love this.
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